Been awhile

It's been awhile since I've posted.

Daily life isn't quite as horrid as it was.  I still miss her with every part of my mind, body and soul, every minute of every day.  I'm learning to function...sort of...on my own. 
I've been back at work long enough now that I'll soon be done with the project I'm doing for Bayer and will probably be looking for another job.  One more week - in Indiana again - and my part of the project is done.  Hoping to find something at the local facility, but there's no promises.

I'm still filled with questions.  Not exactly the same questions as before, I'm learning to accept...no, that's not the right word...maybe grasp is closer...that I won't know why for what seems to me a very long time.  New questions abound though.  How am I supposed to do this, what am I supposed to do, how do I raise Chandler into the man Carmen and I both want him to be without her, etc..  It's definitely not going to be easy, but as I keep telling Chandler, we're a team, we'll do this together.

In the past couple of weeks, I've had two different people - both very spiritual - tell me that Heavenly Father has big plans for me and really needs me to do something for Him.  One of them was a young missionary that I met in Indiana, Elder Timothy Davis.  He doesn't really know much about me, other than what I've told him of Carmen's passing and my struggles.  I've taken him and his companion, Elder Zachary Brooke, out to dinner a couple of times while I've been working in Mishawaka.  After dinner, I usually take them back to their apartment where we sit in the car and they share a scripture or something similar.  Last week, they shared the story of The Touch of The Master's Hand.  Afterward, we talked about how the Savior reaches out to all of us and that we need to allow Him to help us.  I told them that it was a struggle for me to ask for help from anyone, much less Our Savior, even when I know I need it.  Elder Davis was quiet for a moment and suddenly said he was impressed by the Spirit to tell me that Heavenly Father needs me and that part of the reason He took Carmen back home was to help me to turn my focus to Him.  Had that not been the second time in as many weeks that I had been told that by a member of the church, I might have been dismayed instead of being somewhat buoyed by his statement. 

The pain is still deep, sharp and throbbing, but the hole is partially scabbed over.  I still have moments every day when I want to give up.  I'll look out the window of the hotel I'm in and wonder to myself it's tall enough to do the job.  A friend told me today that it is a long, hard road that I'm on that may have no ending.  I told her that sometimes I just want to lay in the middle of that road and give up.  She kindly reminded me that I have a now 16 year old - this very day even - who needs his dad as much if not more that his dad needs him.  I can't imagine how he could possibly need me more than I need him, but I suppose it could be the case.

Now I know

It's been six weeks and two days.  I now know the physical cause.
 
Cardiopulmonary arrest due to probable cardiac arrythmia. 

I was wrong, it doesn't really help to know.  It doesn't help to know that there's nothing I could have done, even if I had been right there beside her.  It doesn't help to know that she died without suffering.  Nothing helps.

Five weeks

Five weeks have passed now.  I still feel like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and she's going to be next to me on the bed.  Our bed.  I know she's never going to be there again.  Not in this life at least.  I know I'll see her again.  I know that we'll be together as husband and wife.  That we're an eternal family.  I know that should comfort me.  Somehow, somewhere inside, it does.  I just can't feel it right now.  I still just feel the hurting. 
Still no word on the autopsy report.  I called the JP's office today.  They still haven't received anything from the ME's office.  I talked to the ME's office last week.  It still shows pending in their system.  I'll never understand, but a physical reason might help me deal with it a little better. 

Easier - What's that?

I started back to work full time this week.  As full time as a job that's only going to exist for about two more months can be.  I flew out Sunday night and will fly back Thursday morning.  That plane ride brought back a flood of memories.  The last time I was on a plane was flying home after being told by my mother-in-law that my wife was gone.  I was 1500 miles away that day.  I'm 1900 miles away this week and it's not easier to deal with.  I'm still stuck in a bad dream.  Every moment of every day, I'm consumed with the pain.  The medication helps.  Prozac in the morning, Ambien at night.  Although the Ambien doesn't seem to be doing it's job.  It's 12:30 back home and 10:30 here.  I'm awake...and alone.  No, it's not easier now.  I cry a little less, but the hole in my heart is still there, raw and bleeding. 

29 Days Later

Yesterday was 4 weeks.  28 days.  The 28 most miserable days of my life.

Today marked 29 days.  29 days of asking why.  29 days of her not being here.  A friend - he's actually so much more to me than merely a friend - took me out to lunch last week.  Afterward, we came back to the house and talked for awhile.  He told me he knew Carmen was with us.  He said he could feel her in the room, in the house.  I couldn't, still can't.  I think I can't feel anything but the raw pain.  It feels like the sun has set in my chest, burning and painful, yet at the same time, it's like there's no sun at all.  Just cold, dark emptiness. 

I called the medical examiner's office again today.  Still no word.  Still no answer to why, at least the physical why.  The lady that answers is always so nice but always tells me the same thing.  The report is still pending.  Pending toxicology testing.  Pending, pending, pending...like my life.  Pending.  I don't know if knowing the physical cause of the end of my world will help me accept it any more than not knowing has allowed that to happen.  I like to think that it will.  Not that I'm willing to accept it as of yet.  Even though I don't have a choice, I still can't accept it as reality.

I still wonder around in a haze.  I'm prone to breaking down at any given moment.  I stopped at the post office to pay the yearly fee.  The box is under her name.  Has been for years.  She happened to be the one that opened that account.  When the lady asked the name it was under, I told her our last name.  Then there it was.  My wife's name popped up on the screen in front of me.  I lost my composure and began to cry.  The lady at the post office was very kind.  Told me to go ahead and cry.  That she had lost her son last year and still cried.

Yesterday I talked to a lady who's husband died almost 3 years ago.  She said she almost feels normal again.  Not the same normal as before.  A different normal.  Another close friend - again, really more than a friend - tells me almost daily that this is my "new normal".  I want my old normal back.  This new one sucks. 

Pain

GOD -

T
H
I
S

H
U
R
T
S

Why won't you explain it to me???

Jealousy

I seem to be full of jealousy lately.  I've never really been the jealous type.  Why would I be.  My life was perfect.  An amazing wife, an amazing son, everything we needed and then some.

I'm jealous of those around me who's life goes on as normal.
I'm jealous of those who still have their wife/husband to hold hands with as they walk together.
I'm jealous of those that can pick up the phone and call their wife/husband to just say hello.
I'm jealous of those who don't feel like their heart has been ripped out of their chest.
I'm jealous of those 15 year olds who still have their mom to talk to.
I'm jealous...