Been awhile

It's been awhile since I've posted.

Daily life isn't quite as horrid as it was.  I still miss her with every part of my mind, body and soul, every minute of every day.  I'm learning to function...sort of...on my own. 
I've been back at work long enough now that I'll soon be done with the project I'm doing for Bayer and will probably be looking for another job.  One more week - in Indiana again - and my part of the project is done.  Hoping to find something at the local facility, but there's no promises.

I'm still filled with questions.  Not exactly the same questions as before, I'm learning to accept...no, that's not the right word...maybe grasp is closer...that I won't know why for what seems to me a very long time.  New questions abound though.  How am I supposed to do this, what am I supposed to do, how do I raise Chandler into the man Carmen and I both want him to be without her, etc..  It's definitely not going to be easy, but as I keep telling Chandler, we're a team, we'll do this together.

In the past couple of weeks, I've had two different people - both very spiritual - tell me that Heavenly Father has big plans for me and really needs me to do something for Him.  One of them was a young missionary that I met in Indiana, Elder Timothy Davis.  He doesn't really know much about me, other than what I've told him of Carmen's passing and my struggles.  I've taken him and his companion, Elder Zachary Brooke, out to dinner a couple of times while I've been working in Mishawaka.  After dinner, I usually take them back to their apartment where we sit in the car and they share a scripture or something similar.  Last week, they shared the story of The Touch of The Master's Hand.  Afterward, we talked about how the Savior reaches out to all of us and that we need to allow Him to help us.  I told them that it was a struggle for me to ask for help from anyone, much less Our Savior, even when I know I need it.  Elder Davis was quiet for a moment and suddenly said he was impressed by the Spirit to tell me that Heavenly Father needs me and that part of the reason He took Carmen back home was to help me to turn my focus to Him.  Had that not been the second time in as many weeks that I had been told that by a member of the church, I might have been dismayed instead of being somewhat buoyed by his statement. 

The pain is still deep, sharp and throbbing, but the hole is partially scabbed over.  I still have moments every day when I want to give up.  I'll look out the window of the hotel I'm in and wonder to myself it's tall enough to do the job.  A friend told me today that it is a long, hard road that I'm on that may have no ending.  I told her that sometimes I just want to lay in the middle of that road and give up.  She kindly reminded me that I have a now 16 year old - this very day even - who needs his dad as much if not more that his dad needs him.  I can't imagine how he could possibly need me more than I need him, but I suppose it could be the case.