I had some dear friends ask me last night if I ever found out the cause of Carmen's death.  I wasn't aware that I hadn't shared that information with them.  That leads me to believe that there may be several others that don't know.  "Probable cardiac and respiratory arrest" is what the autopsy report states.  From what I have read, Sudden Cardiac Arrest is what it was.  Her heart simply stopped beating.  Approximately 300,000 people a year die from SCA.  Less than 1% survive unscathed.  There was nothing wrong with her heart or lungs or any other part of her.  Her heart just stopped.  I wish it was something else, something I could revel in destroying, but it wasn't anything like that.   

I'm back, although I've no idea if this will become a regular thing again, or if it's going to be as sporadic as it has been.  I've been leaving myself voice notes on my phone that I tell myself I'm going to type and post here. 
Tonight I told my son that he's the only reason I'm alive.  We got into an argument/discussion/crying session.  He left the party I was DJ'ing without telling me he was leaving.  He also left me to pack up the gear by myself.  I was a bit angry and made him come back.  When he got there, I was rude to him and said a few things I didn't mean.  He started crying, I started crying and we talked a bit.  I looked him in the eye and told him the only reason I was standing there having that conversation with him was because of him.  If not for my son, I'd have put a bullet in my head several months ago.  There it is.  The same words I told him.  I shouldn't have said that.  Now he's going to worry that I'll do that.  I won't.  I'm just unable to imagine life without her.  Not that the fact that I'm living life without her makes any difference.  Everyday it's still an overwhelming thought.