I'm back, although I've no idea if this will become a regular thing again, or if it's going to be as sporadic as it has been. I've been leaving myself voice notes on my phone that I tell myself I'm going to type and post here.
Tonight I told my son that he's the only reason I'm alive. We got into an argument/discussion/crying session. He left the party I was DJ'ing without telling me he was leaving. He also left me to pack up the gear by myself. I was a bit angry and made him come back. When he got there, I was rude to him and said a few things I didn't mean. He started crying, I started crying and we talked a bit. I looked him in the eye and told him the only reason I was standing there having that conversation with him was because of him. If not for my son, I'd have put a bullet in my head several months ago. There it is. The same words I told him. I shouldn't have said that. Now he's going to worry that I'll do that. I won't. I'm just unable to imagine life without her. Not that the fact that I'm living life without her makes any difference. Everyday it's still an overwhelming thought.
Mark, raising a teenager is a challenge under any circumstances. Raising one without a mother must seem impossible. I think often of all the responsibilities that now fall on your shoulders alone and I hurt for you. It must seem like more than you can handle, but I have faith that you can do it. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever done, but you ARE strong - you HAVE faith - your flesh and blood is depending on you to see him through this horrid time. You really are fortunate that you have Chandler - you have a piece of Carmen with you all the time in your precious son. He WILL grow up. You WILL have arguments - it is normal. You both are like beached fish - flopping around trying to find your way. Together, and with the support of your friends and especially with your Heavenly Father as your guide, you WILL succeed in raising a fine young man. I love you, my dear friend. My prayers are with you always.
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