I keep waiting for this to get easier. For there to be days, a day even, where I don't miss her with every breath. Waiting for songs to remind me of good things, good times, instead of the fact that I can't hold her, hear her, see her, watch her, be with her.
I recently took a trip with the youth from church to Nauvoo, IL to visit church historical sites. I could feel the Spirit there. Could feel of the sacredness of the Gospel. I also felt pain and dispair. Having completed an endowment session in the Nauvoo Temple, I was sitting in the final room where I normally would have feelings of peace and contentment. Normally I would be sitting next to my wife. That day all I could feel was how life wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be sitting there next to my dear friend Bill, I was supposed to be sitting there next to Carmen, basking in the glow of the Savior's love, feeling the comfort of the Spirit. Instead I sobbed and sobbed with my heartbreak not diminishing but growing. Bill, in his kindness, held me while I sobbed on his shoulder.
My therapist said to expect at least a year of pain like this. I don't know that I can take that.
Hey, there, my friend ... I love that you can put your feelings down in this blog. The picture you paint with words is so real I can understnd what you are feeling - it makes me sad, but I am glad you can share. I am so sorry for all this pain. You know I would take it from you if I could. For the hundredth time ... one step at a time. I love you.
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