Now I know

It's been six weeks and two days.  I now know the physical cause.
 
Cardiopulmonary arrest due to probable cardiac arrythmia. 

I was wrong, it doesn't really help to know.  It doesn't help to know that there's nothing I could have done, even if I had been right there beside her.  It doesn't help to know that she died without suffering.  Nothing helps.

Five weeks

Five weeks have passed now.  I still feel like I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and she's going to be next to me on the bed.  Our bed.  I know she's never going to be there again.  Not in this life at least.  I know I'll see her again.  I know that we'll be together as husband and wife.  That we're an eternal family.  I know that should comfort me.  Somehow, somewhere inside, it does.  I just can't feel it right now.  I still just feel the hurting. 
Still no word on the autopsy report.  I called the JP's office today.  They still haven't received anything from the ME's office.  I talked to the ME's office last week.  It still shows pending in their system.  I'll never understand, but a physical reason might help me deal with it a little better. 

Easier - What's that?

I started back to work full time this week.  As full time as a job that's only going to exist for about two more months can be.  I flew out Sunday night and will fly back Thursday morning.  That plane ride brought back a flood of memories.  The last time I was on a plane was flying home after being told by my mother-in-law that my wife was gone.  I was 1500 miles away that day.  I'm 1900 miles away this week and it's not easier to deal with.  I'm still stuck in a bad dream.  Every moment of every day, I'm consumed with the pain.  The medication helps.  Prozac in the morning, Ambien at night.  Although the Ambien doesn't seem to be doing it's job.  It's 12:30 back home and 10:30 here.  I'm awake...and alone.  No, it's not easier now.  I cry a little less, but the hole in my heart is still there, raw and bleeding.