I left the house today for a few hours. Had lunch with a friend from church. I was a bit worried that it would be awkward and uncomfortable. I was happy that it didn't turn out that way. It was a good visit, nice to get out.
Afterward, I took our son - he's not just mine, he's OURS and always will be - to our chiropractor's office for a massage and adjustment. I had a good chat with the doctor. I told him I thought I was doing ok and that I had been mad at God. It was then and there that I realized I'm still mad at Him. I want to know why my 40 year old wife is gone, I want to know His plan, I want Him to explain how He thinks that I'm strong enough for this. I'm mad and I want answers that I can't have.
My dear friend, I hardly know what to say. But, this blog is an excellent way for you to express your feelings. Your anger is very normal - it is a common reaction to grief. I have read that there are many stages to grief and this is but one of them. No doubt each day will bring about all kinds of emotions making you feel like you are on a giant rollercoaster. Try to keep in mind that all the ups and downs are to be expected. It doesn't mean that you are not strong, Mark - it just means that you are human - nobody can expect you to feel otherwise at this point in your grief. Try to have a bit of faith in yourself – I certainly have faith in you. I think back to the time when you helped me through my grief over the divorce – remember who I was blaming? You were so young and yet so very wise - you saved my life – you brought me back to our Heavenly Father - you are my hero and always will be! You really are stronger than you realize, now. I know, as well as I know anything, you will make it through this horrible pain you now endure. There will always be a hole in your heart for your beloved Carmen, but the edges won’t be as raw and rough as they are now – those edges will be softened and healed by memories and by time. You and Chandler will survive this journey together because of the love you and he have for her and for each other. Someday in the not too soon future will find me saying, “Didn’t I tell you so, Mark?” I love you dearly and my heart aches for your suffering. Until you are able to regain faith in yourself, just lean on the faith of others – lean on me any time – lean on your friends – most of all, lean on your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. You will smile again, Mark, you really will - I can make that promise to you because of my faith in your team - you, Chandler, and our Father in Heaven. I love you!
ReplyDelete