Today was rough. Not that the rest haven't been. I ran into a friend that had no idea that anything had happened. She asked how "we" were doing, not realizing I was in the car, our car, by myself. Through my instant tears, I told her that Carmen had died. This resulted in both of us breaking down in the drive thru at the local Sonic. It also resulted in me not recovering from that breakdown for over an hour. I sobbed in the Sonic drive thru. I sobbed in the parking lot of the post office. I sobbed inside the post office. I sobbed all the way to our friends' house in spite of the fact that I hadn't planned on driving there. I sobbed in their driveway. I sobbed in their garage. I sobbed on their couch. Not sniffles, not crying. All out, full on, racked with pain sobbing.
I also had a chat with God. It was a bit one sided. I asked him why my life was so...well, I won't repeat it here...and everyone else's is going on as normal. Why can't things be the way they were 19 days ago? Why was the guy in the truck in front of me able to go about his day with no worries while I was crumbling into nothingness? I sincerely hope that the guy in the truck has no worries, not that I've a clue who it was. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, least of all the guy in the truck who had no idea I was (am?) jealous of him.
Unfortunately, that is likely just the first of such encounters - amazingly there are people who have not yet heard. Those situations will definitely be very painful. I am so glad that your car took you to a friend's house. One of the main purposes of a friend is to be leaned upon. I can see how you would ask yourself why others are appearing to be OK when you are anything but OK. There is no way we can fully understand what you feel. Even people who have had similar experiences can't really know what YOU are feeling - they may have an inkling, but they can't truly understand.
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