I want to wake up

My son sent a text to me while he was at school today.  Said he didn't feel good and wanted me to pick him up.  I was running an errand so it took me about 30 minutes to get there.  Several people came up to me to tell me how sorry they were for our loss.  The tears started. 

After we got back to the house, I lay on his bed beside him and talked.  He mostly listened and told me everything would be alright.  I cried and told him I didn't think it ever would.  He's 15.  He's not supposed to be the level headed one.  I told him I was sorry that he had to go through this.  My dad died when he was about 18 months so he doesn't remember him.  That hurts me everytime I think about it.  Now my baby has lost his mother.  That hurts me constantly. 

I've been reading other people's stories that have been in similar situations.  I started to read a site last night where people post their stories.  I got about 3 deep and all I wanted to do was scream.  It's not helping me to read about others that have gone through this.  It just makes me angry because I don't want to share their stories.  I don't want to be part of this club.  I want my wife back.  I want my life back.  This isn't what we had planned together.  Together is what we planned.  This is not my life.  This is a nightmare from which I can't awake.